While I was driving back from Ohio a couple of weeks ago, I started radio searching and came across a song by Ne-Yo that caught my attention. The beat was typical Ne-Yo fashion but the beginning of the song caught me completely off guard. He said,
“Much as you blame yourself
You can’t be blamed for the way you feel
Had no example of a love
That was even remotely real
How can you understand something that you never had
Ooh baby if you let me
I can help you out with all of that
Girl let me love you
And I will love you,
Until you learn to love yourself”
The lyrics while noble and honorable is something that rarely happens in life, especially in love. I only know of a few examples and most of them are biblical. I am not saying that this doesn’t happen but I really would need to see or hear of some examples that really occurred. From my experiences, I have seen where people treated you how you treated yourself. If they saw where you didn’t care for you then normally they treated you crappy too. I haven’t seen the above and beyond measures that is sung about by Ne-Yo.
As I was driving, I searched my mental Rolodex to see if I had any experiences that resembled this type of “I got you love”. I came up with one incident that can be considered close to it. When I first got out of the Navy back in 1998, I was taking my nephew to Foot Locker as a treat for doing well in school. I had promised him some sneakers and he worked hard to earn them. In Foot Locker, I met a young man and he was handsome, actually he was FINE. At first, I was amazed that he noticed or even said anything to me. Here’s the thing that bothers me about that now, I was never unattractive so why wouldn’t he try to talk to me. He asked me out and I accepted the date. We had a naturally flow to our relationship. We could laugh, talk, share dreams, and chill…ultimately we became great friends.
Eventually, sex entered into the relationship and this is where it got slightly complicated. One day, after having sex, he looked at me and said I don’t think we should have sex anymore. I was stunned and hurt, how could I keep him interested if we wasn’t sexing. He explained that he valued me…us…our friendship…our relationship too much to continue to cheapen what we had by having casual sex. He didn’t want to break up or change anything about us other than he didn’t want to have sex anymore. My brain could not process this because I had always heard the saying that “if he is not getting it from you then he is getting it from somewhere else”. I didn’t want that to happen so I almost insisted that we keep having sex. Crazy me right! It made the relationship that was once so beautiful cloudy…we drifted apart. So instead of me letting him love me until I learned to love myself, I pushed him away.
So what makes us so scared of the fairy tale romances with the “happy ever after endings” that we have been told since we were children? The ones where the lady is swept off her feet and treated to the royal life, she has no enemies (or haters as it is called now), everyone loves her, she knows how to balance her life, and the man is her knight in shining armor. Have we become so used to things not working out for the best that we unknowingly sabotage our own relationships. Can we really love one another, if the other person doesn’t love themselves? I am not saying it’s impossible, but this is what I have learned. Until I learned to properly love myself it was difficult to love anyone else or to allow someone to love me. I have had good and bad relationships but only now can I fully appreciate being loved by someone because I know Sabrina. I now completely love myself and with that I win every time! So have you learned to love yourself – good, bad, ugly – flaws and all? Be blessed…